Joke Time

[Draganess]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[Draganess]

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

[Draganess]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?

[Draganess]

Plz feel free to add your own

[Slifer]

Teacher and School kids

One day a teacher asks her class of pupils
" If you were to be made of anything in the world what would it be and why"
The 1st kid puts his hand up and says
" I would like to be made of gold"
The teacher then asks the kid why, he replies
" Because if i was made from gold i could scratch some of and buy myself a BMW"
Teacher says good, and a 2nd kid puts his hand up
" I would like to be made from platinum, because its worth more then gold and i could buy a BMW, and a Ferrari"
Teachers says good, and then a 3rd kid puts his hand up
"I would like to be covered in pubic hair"
Looking puzzled the teacher ask whys that, and the kid replies,
"Well my sister has some and u should see the amount of cars that she has outside"

Sorry had to share that 1 lol

[Draganess]

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew;

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...





Like his Mother used to do.

[Draganess]

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

5. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

6. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

7. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

8. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

9. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

10. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

12. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

[Draganess]

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George Bush
a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he is still in the
game. Bush opened the letter.

It contained a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI. So it went to the CIA, then to
the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6
for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply, "Tell
the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Draganess]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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[Draganess]

WOMEN STRIKE BACK

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started,
they emit oxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.


How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat;
we clean - they dirty;
we iron - they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a mans' idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They won't stop for directions.

Why did God put man on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't woman have men's brains?
Because they don't have thingyes to put them in.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on their back?
Because their balls fall over their not a very nice persons and they vapor lock.

Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains then dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at ****tail parties.

Why did God make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning upon waking up?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

[bar]

been a while since i been on but heres a joke for you,

teacher asks the class for a sentence using the word definately
tommy puts up his hand and says "grass is definately green".
"well thats not always so", says the teacher "sometimes the grass goes brown when it hasnt had enough water". then sally puts up her hand and says "the sky is definately blue", again the teacher has to say "well sometimes the sky isnt blue when its cloudy and going to rain".at this little jimmy puts up his hand and says "miss, are farts lumpy?" puzzled the teacher says "no ,why jimmy",
"well in that case miss i have definately sh!t myself"

[Draganess]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed."Good," she replied.
"Get your own f........ blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.

[granet]

A BIT OF A TIT

In the beginning God creates Eve. She has three breasts. After a week in the garden, God pays a visit to Eve and asks her How’s everything going?

It’s all so beautiful, God she replies. The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I do have one problem. It’s these three breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes and such, They’re a real pain

That’s a fair point replies God, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six and just assumed you’d need half, but I see now that you are right. I’ll fix it right away . So god reaches over and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Another three weeks pass, and God once again pays a visit to Eve in the garden. Now then, Eve, how’s my favourite creation today? He asks.

Just fantastic she replies but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone

God thinks for a moment. You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now let’s see…..where did I put that useless tit ?

[granet]

A SIGN OF THE TIMES?

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL ****TAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bankok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.
DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

In a Leipzig elevator:
DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP.

Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL **** IN TUB.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN **** TO THE RIGHT.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE;
LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER;
ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE;
BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Outside a dress shop, Paris:
DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING.

Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT OTATION.
From the Soviet Weekly :
HERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

From a Russian book on Chess:
A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS BEEN PLAYED.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

****tail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Tokyo shop:
OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE THE BEST IN THE LONG RUN.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL OURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
ENGLISH WELL TALKING HERE
SPEECHING AMERICAN